For a couple of month I had been visiting with the dark side of life and not been feeling up to sharing with the world. Never before did I hate our divine creator with such a passion. I questioned the teaching of all spiritual masters I have come across and was wondering whether it’s not all spiritual B.S. Had its holiness decided to pull the plug on my physical form, I would have gone gladly! But for the bond with my K9 friend Indi. When I adopted her I promised to pull through for her and she would grow old with me. During one of life’s adversities I had failed my last dog Murphy, she was a full of beans Airedale and lived to the age of 15, dying of heart failure out hunting with my dad 5 month before I got Indi.
Saying all that I know spirituality within me is what did take me by the hand even though I was ready to disown it all (the light within, will not be denied it seems). It did lead me through the darkness, although kicking and swearing. After all, what is one here for in physical form but to experience whatever life presents our way, the glimpses of accomplishment, fun and excitement together with the frustration, the being fed up and just plain having had it. I’ve been asking questions like: What’s the point? And then what is important to me? What do I want to surround myself with? Where do I want to wake up in the morning?
Living a spiritual life for over 10 years, it’s the teachings that came to me over the last couple of years that were the most helpful and oddly comforting. 1. You don’t have to like it, just be OK with it. It is so easy to live the mantras ‘I’m not supposed to feel this and the other’ and feel bad about oneself failure. Its ok somehow to manage being ok with what is embrace all feelings and feel them fully without apologizing or hiding. 2. Be kind to yourself; love yourself through adversity, because that’s when we need it the most.
And then a few weeks ago (or month now) I took some photos and got excited again about the progress they depicted. Another couple of month gone I really had wanted to get the blogging going again but had lost the groove. In November I spent my first few nights here at ‘Kalina’(Yay, that was exciting!) Without internet, cell reception or computer I started getting in touch with myself again. It was raining and dark outside. The bag containing my IPod and easy entertainment remained in the car. It was warm and cozy with the woodstove going (I finally got all the smoke out – it later turned out the chimney although just completed 2 weeks prior was blocked) and wasn’t inclined getting out there to get it. So, sitting on my sofa with Indi, pen and paper I wrote 2 blog entries that weren’t going to make it onto the website until mid December still. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my town days were I’m staying at my husband’s doing my internet stuff, laundry, have showers….
I confess to having a ritual burning of the instruction manual. The whole process of getting the chimney pipe in and outside done was an ordeal.